Currently Listening You Are Free By Cat Power Werewolf see related

come on.

i'm getting sick... 4 days before christmas.

how typical.

i'm so confused right now. ugh. i wish we could choose who we liked... i feel really cliche.

i'm such a disappointment... to my friends, family, etc. i'm just a burden. no pun intended.

wah. i'm gonna go sleep some more.

i need a percocet. geez.

Currently Listening Ys By Joanna Newsom Monkey & Bear see related

ugh.

i wish things could just work out.

for once.

i'm tired of a lot of things and people here.

i wish some people would just come to their senses.

i feel like everything i do is meaningless.

i hate college applications.

i just want to be happy again.

the end.

p.s. listen to joanna newsom. you'll feel better. although i feel too much lately.

Currently Listening Singles By New Order Bizarre Love Triangle see related

Ceremony... of thoughts.

New Order always makes me way too thoughtful. I don't know what it is about them. I love them to death but everytime a great New Order song comes on, I get this big rush of meaningful thoughts (i.e. why am i here? why am i not happy? what do i want to change in my life? how should i work harder?, etc.)

School is a bit more stressful than ever this year, but I'm having a blast. I've been working on bettering my friendships and I think I'm doing an okay job. Randilea has been there for me lately more than anyone else. She understands me more than I could even explain. That makes me smile to know I have someone there for me.

Yet, I'm not happy. Sure, I can keep myself busy with school, hanging out with friends, etc., but I never feel content. There's always this emptiness in me... no matter what I'm doing, I feel this hole. I thought I found something or someone to help fill that hole a while ago, but that's fallen through like everything else. I am starting to think that everything is just bound to fall through eventually. Isn't that just science? "Nothing is forever." Mrs. Burden might be right. Why are we so idealistic about forever? It's probably a naive idiology anyways.

College applications and preparations are making me feel a bit frazzled as well. But alas, my mind is always elsewhere. Why can't I ever seem to get over him? I just wish a few things could work themselves out in my life. I h8 life.

Currently Listening Jupiter By Cave In Requiem see related

Obsolete.

Every day seems the same to me
I sit around and think about how alone I feel
then I wind up rather enjoying loneliness.
It's the comfort of being sad
'cause sometimes it feels so right
and sometimes I'd like to be around no one for ten straight years
but I know this feeling can't bring me places
and I know I'm losing lots of ground
but to keep up means to get up
and why does it have to be the world keeps on changing while I just stay the same?
I feel like being shit doesn't mean enough to anyone anymore.
and I guess the world has made emotion obsolete
and I don't think I feel the same 'cause after all
who says what happy really means?
Tonight I will redefine everything and tomorrow I will start in on my better days
and to each their own definition of happiness
but no one ever reaches it so I don't think I'll breathe that way
but happiness is when there's nowhere left to go
because in that state of mind there is no state of self
so how was I supposed to know?

my state of mind lately.

Currently Listening ...Is a Real Boy By Say Anything Every Man Has A Molly see related

Wow, fuck this.

What have I been doing this summer? I have been sitting around, hanging out, listening to music, having the best time ever for a week, taking too many trips to Blockbuster and Ryan's. It's been sufficiently interesting, I suppose.

I really hate it here and I don't know how I am going to make it for another year. That sounds like a typical rant of any kid who's stuck in this hell hole, but no, I really mean it. Everyday I'm stuck here, I get more and more depressed and it sucks. My parents and I fight too much. My brother is awesome now though. School is going to suck next year and thinking about it makes me want to die. If I could leave now, I would in a heartbeat. The only things I'm going to miss next year, as of now, are Ryan, my house, and Patrick, because he's fun too.

I got a new hair cut. It's shorter. I like it more. I also got a new job. Yay, $$$. Money that will go towards various trips, mostly all involving a concert. I am mostly looking forward to First To Leave and ACL in the fall. I think I'm going to die when I see Stars & Rocky Votolato.

Say Anything, The Smiths, Gracer, and First To Leave have become my life... in the music world. I cannot stop listening to these bands. Fucked Up is good too.

"Out on a date, but like a dog, she smells my fear and runs. And still we make our cheap, tortured artists no fun. I dream of anger and sex. Unnurtured, I succeed but still, soon I'll be popping pills. This emptiness will not be filled or killed."

So good.